Ghirahim's Raw Deal, OR A Bad Time To Go To Skyloft
by Cortex
Summary: Centuries after the war between Hylia and Demise ended, the dark side decide to have one last shot at getting the Triforce. Demise's faithful lackey, Ghirahim, is willing to do anything for his master, but Demise's most recent plans test even his loyalties when he's asked to turn detective in Skyloft.
1. Lackeys Don't Get A Break

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Okay, guys, this is a new fanfic I'm writing for no particular reason. This marks a pretty drastic departure from my usual writing style (in some places, anyway). I would say it's a little more serious than my usual fare. Unlike Asking For Disaster, the chapters AREN'T pre- written, so I could really do with some support to make sure I continue this. I'm really not asking for much, just some reviews here and there. Some encouraging words and constructive advice would really mean a lot to me =)  
As usual, Kuroi= bad side, Shiroi= good side. Just like in my manga. Without further ado, we begin! Hope you like!  
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Chapter One: Lackeys Don't Get A Break

The sound of cards snapping echoed uncomfortably in the Kuroi HQ. Apart from the constant FWIP- FWIP- FWIP, there was no sound from any of the men and (of a slightly lesser number) women gathered in an awkward group in the middle of the room, some people spreading out to the corners in a futile attempt to distance themselves from the others. It was not like they had much success, though. Back in those times- just after the creation of the Earth and Sky, where the idea of brick walls and a roof were futuristic, impossible commodities, the HQ was merely a cave deep underground. The way down there was a roughly- cut chute all the way to the bottom with a particularly nasty drop right at the end, where one would be dumped unceremoniously in the middle of the room. It was undignified and not exactly top- secret (the opening to the chute was a rather obvious hole above ground with a sign above it saying "Top- Secret Kuroi HQ" floating proudly), but it was all the dark side had at that time after being stripped of all they owned by the Shiroi. Of course, this was a couple of centuries after the Sky Era as outlined in Hyrule Historia. The Kuroi and their leader, Demise, had been locked in a fierce and all- consuming battle against the Shiroi and their leader, Hylia. The Shiroi had won a previous war, and Hylia had sent a huge landmass up into the sky in order to protect the last surviving humans and the Triforce. However, Demise had reawakened and was demanding that she bring the landmass back down to Earth. Hylia had refused, and so yet another war had broken out.  
So far the Shiroi were winning by quite a margin, having overpowered the Kuroi's usually unbreakable fighters with the promise of milk and cookies in a HQ that wasn't just a crude cave underground. It also helped that Hylia was significantly better- looking than Demise and didn't wear much either- rumours were rife that she had no underwear on underneath that thin white dress. Since the average demographic of the Kuroi were male (and usually ageless demonic beings), this was a surprisingly big pull.  
But of course, there were always the faithful few that were determined to stick with their side to the bitter end. This few usually regretted it about twice a week, especially when they saw the high- tech (at that time) and inviting Shiroi facilities. But those who were truly evil knew their true god, and served Demise blindly. Not that the god ever acknowleged this, of course. He was more concerned about Saturday night telly and whether his evil robes were on straight (evil robes were a necessity at that time) than his minions. Every single one of the Kuroi who served under him was a number, and sometimes not even that. It was very rare that one of them would be known by their name, and even then it was usually the wrong name.  
One of the Kuroi he did know by name, though, and it was the correct name, was one called Ghirahim.  
Ghirahim was his second- in- command, his most staid and devoted follower. The quickest way to describe him would be to say he looked exactly like David Bowie in his Thin White Duke guise, except nobody ever said this to his face. After all, "You look like a Zelda character" would never be the first thing to say to David Bowie anyway. Still, the notion of celebrity didn't even exist back then, and would only really gain presence in Hyrule with the advent of the Hero Of Time. Some people would say that it was tantamount to child abuse to subject the boy to such worldwide fame, and indeed, when Young Link grew up he became an alcholic who would fart Zelda's Lullaby on street corners for Rupees. Alas, fame is a fickle mistress. And so is a cookie that can't decide whether or not to snap in half when dunked.  
But I digress. Ghirahim was always to be found strutting around in a skintight leotard with sleeves and legs that reached to his wrists and ankles respectively. One would say he was very covered- up if this leotard were not so much like a second skin. A simple diamond pattern was cut into the chest area, revealing his ribs (although he liked to think it revealed his abs). As for his hair, it was brushed over to the left side of his face to cover his mysterious lack of a left ear. Rumour had it that he cut it off to use as a soup ladle. Hylian ears, although pointed, were very concave and perfect for the purpose. But Ghirahim was also quite a broody type, so another rumour was that he had decided to take up painting and cut said ear off, Van Gogh- style, to give himself a bit of "mystique". Of course, this would inspire Van Gogh himself many centuries later to mutilate his own. There is not much more to be said about Ghirahim (Ghi for short), except that he had quite feminine looks. His eyes were thickly outlined with some sort of makeup- surely they had to be!- and his lips were as white as the rest of his body, which was a most unnatural colour. The only thing that was not white about Ghirahim was (excluding his iris, of course) was the sash he wore around his waist for no apparent reason, which was yellow in colour and fastened with a rather fetching red diamond.  
All in all, he was quite unusual in appearance, even for a Kuroi. He was stood before those who were gathered in the HQ on the fateful day this story starts. The scene was as described at the beginning of this chapter, for it was the same day, strangely enough. The sound of the cards could still be heard as the two Kuroi doggedly continued with their game.  
Ghirahim folded his arms and frowned upon the scene. This was simply not good enough- where was the charisma here?  
"Excuse me?" He spoke loudly, even though he didn't need to. "All of you, stop milling about and look at me!"  
Like reluctant pupils with a teacher they don't like, everyone froze on the spot and slowly turned their heads towards him in a display of wordless sarcasm. Ghirahim decided to overlook it.  
"What's wrong with you lot? Just because we have been forced into hiding once again-" he began.  
"We weren't forced. Demise gave the order to flee." came a voice from the back.  
"Shut up, you!" Ghi snapped.  
"He's a coward."  
"He's our gracious and almighty leader!"  
"He's a gracious and almighty wuss."  
"Well, you ran with the rest of us!"  
"Only 'cause your mama was on the other side. And she's so fat-"  
"Don't start the "your mama" stuff already! We've only got through 9 lines of dialogue!"  
The voice gave a huff and fell silent.  
"Anyway-" Ghirahim began again. "Just because of the aforementioned scenario, which did not involve ANYONE'S mama, we should not have to fall victim to such a miserable atmosphere! How about we do something entertaining?"  
"Entertaining like what?" came a different voice.  
"Mass Rock, Paper, Scissors?"  
"Can it be Rock, Paper, Scissors, Mama?"  
"How does that work?"  
The voice fell silent and considered. "Well... Mama beats Rock, 'cause it gets lost in her fat rolls-"  
"But what if you hit her over the head with the rock?"  
"That's not the point. Rock, Paper, Scissors doesn't depend on what- if scenarios."  
"Well, that's a stupid game, isn't it? How about Hangman?"  
The voice from before was heard to mutter darkly, "I know who I'D like to hang."  
"Yeah. Your mama." another voice said.  
Ghirahim put his head in his hands with a heavy sigh. Maybe he would allow the air of misery to continue for a little longer.

And so it did, for the rest of the day. Demise gave Ghirahim frequent telepathic updates on how the above- ground army was doing, and needless to say the news was not good. Every tactical advance they tried was failing, and once again the Shiroi were pushing them further back. Large numbers of their army were being massacred, and Demise was once again considering giving the order to retreat. What more could Ghirahim do, but agree with his master?  
Minutes later, as the army trooped defeated back to the HQ, Ghirahim recieved an urgent message from the boss- man.  
*Come to my realm- immediately! I have formulated a plan for this ridiculous war.*  
The skinny mage jumped to his feet, summoning his trusty katana and sheathing it in his sash. Taking a quick glance around the HQ to ensure everything was in order, he whispered a protection spell for it and snapped his fingers. In a digital shower of monochrome diamonds, he disappeared.

Demise's realm was not a physical place as such; it was more another dimension in which he resided. There was nothing of note there, just an empty greyness that seemed to continue into the distance forever. The ground upon which visitors stood was never seen. It was covered instead by a shallow layer of water in which one could see one's reflection as if it were a mirror. Ghirahim arrived quickly, appearing before his master mere seconds after he had recieved the message. Demise stood clad in the obligatory evil threads, ornate robes that entwined his shoulders and trailed past his feet. The flames that substituted his hair flickered angrily atop his head as he glared down at his most trusted minion, who immediately sank into a deep kneel.  
Ghirahim's sword stabbed him in the side. "Crap! Ow!"  
"Pardon, Ghirahim?"  
He looked up. "I meant crisps."  
"So I thought."  
There was a long silence between the two. Eventually Demise spoke again.  
"The goddess, centuries ago, sent a landmass up into the sky."  
"You don't say, Master."  
"It's called Skyloft."  
"Not Groundloft, Master?"  
"GHIRAHIM!"  
"Sorry, Master."  
"I have decided..." Demise paused to twirl his hair between his fingers for effect, unfortunately forgetting that his scalp was on fire. "EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAOH! LALALALALALALALALALABOOOOOOOO! EE YIE EE YIE OOOOOHHHHHHH!"  
Ghirahim waited patiently until Demise thought to plunge his fingers into the water surrounding them. A plume of smoke rose up from his submerged hand and he gasped loudly. "Anyway, lackey, I shall continue." he whimpered, face screwed up in pain. "The goddess sent Skyloft up into the heavens long ago. I have decided that instead of bringing it down to us, WE shall- uh, hang on- WE shall bring it to... ourselves? ...Well, that analogy didn't make sense."  
"Are you suggesting that-"  
"SHUT UP! I'm trying to explain what I'm suggesting! What I'm trying to say is that we should stop forcing them to bring it down and instead go up there ourselves!"  
"Interesting notion."  
"Unfortunately, airspace is pretty crowded up there. It seems that all the citizens have been given Loftwings as gifts from the goddess, and they're taking up a lot of the sky. Air Traffic Control have had to lay on 300 extra people. So that not all of us can go up there as planned. I'm going to send ONE Kuroi up. Guess who?"  
"Hrm." Ghirahim paused, assuming a "thinking" position complete with intelligent- looking chin stroking. "Ganondorf?"  
"The incarnation of my hatred?! He's thick as a brick!"  
"Master, that's a little harsh."  
"Thick as a paving slab, then. He wouldn't know how to handle a Loftwing if- if-"  
"You aren't seriously suggesting you've got a Loftwing down to fly ME up there?!"  
Demise nodded, an expression of pride evident on his face.

Ghirahim had to admit, he had never come across an evil plan quite like it. As he stood before the pure white Loftwing Demise had sent down for him, which was quietly blowing off, he could not help but worry obsessively about the risks. He was going to stand out quite a bit in Skyloft, he imagined- he would stand out anywhere, but especially so on an isolated sky island whose people didn't even believe there was anything beneath the clouds. How would he be able to persuade them that he was a force of good? How far would his own wits be able to get him? He imagined the Skyloftians would be quite suspicious of outsiders who seemed to come from the Surface, especially at times like this.  
He put a tentative hand out to stroke the Loftwing, which jumped bodily away from him and hissed loudly. Bird spit sprayed Ghirahim's face unpleasantly and he recoiled. Demise strode up beside him and regarded the scene happily.  
"You two will get on eventually. Just give it a little time." he said encouragingly as the bird proceeded to stamp on his minion. "Fartbutt, stop that!"  
"THIS gassy rat with wings is my means of transport? And it's called Fartbutt?" Ghi said disbelievingly. At the sound of his voice, Fartbutt proceeded to kick him in the face.  
"Yup. Just give it a little time..."

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It WILL get better, I promise. Let me get acquainted with the story, and I will provide you with the goods. Please review if you can!  
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	2. Vaati's Palace

D'awww, I can't believe the views I've got! I was going to update earlier but the consequences of not sleeping for a month are upon me with a vengeance. I am writing this chapter drugged up on Paracetamol and Lucozade (my nan insists it's "better than medicine"). With a severely twisted ankle, natch.  
Without further ado, please ignore my laments and read on!

Getting Ghirahim and the bird acquainted with eachother was an even more difficult task than envisaged. Fartbutt seemed to have a condition widely known as "selective deafness", and repeatedly ignored Demise's orders to stop trampling his minion. It was only when an ugly crack emanated from Ghirahim's arm that things had to get physical. Anybody watching would have been very amused to see the King Of Evil sumo- wrestling a gassy Loftwing to the floor. Despite this, Demise refused to get a more subdued bird. "Have you seen the VAT I had to pay for this one? There's no refunds in medieval times, you know!"  
"Master, please. I have been pounded like a shortbread cake and am close to being in a sling already. Could you not spend a little more for my own wellbeing?" Ghirahim protested, indicating the bird that was now being tied in a straitjacket by two lesser, more expendable Kuroi.  
Demise shook his head. "You two will get on eventually. Just give it a little-"  
His sentence was interrupted by an exasperated wail.

An hour later, and the sorcerer was sent back to the HQ to pack anything he might need. This was proving to be a difficult task, as Fartbutt would only carry a maximum of two items. "Oh..." Ghirahim fretted, rummaging through his things in exasperation. "Should I take my Babyliss or my GHD hair straighteners? My Choos or my Louboutins? Decisions, decisions!"  
An idea struck him. "Maybe I should ring one of my minions!"  
Bringing out the latest in medieval cell- phone technology (the BrickWork 2000, patented), he dialled the number of King Bulbin in. He listened apprehensively to the dial tone before it was picked up on the other end.  
"Wugga wug?"  
"Hello to you too. I must ask you a favour, would you come over and help me pack?"  
"Ummma jabba joo."  
"Listen, I appreciate you're busy, but-"  
"Alalalalalala booby. Hee hee booby."  
"Cool. That clears it all up. Thanks a lot."  
He slammed the phone down. "Jerk."

Being the most resourceful of the Kuroi, he eventually decided to do away with vanity and pack only the bare necessities. "I didn't even know you could rip this from The Jungle Book!" he chuckled as he stowed them in a carry case with only two pockets, courtesy of his ever- generous master. He decided to leave his hair implements at the HQ and pop into his "friend" Vaati's on the way up. Although he couldn't contact Vaati from the ground (he lived in the sky, where the signal was notoriously bad), he could always take a forbidden detour and pop into his floating palace.  
On Ghirahim's orders, the Kuroi gathered in the HQ to hear his farewells. They milled about boredly in the open space until the order to organise themselves (in order of rank and/or whether they could bend their leg behind their head or not, both were very important factors in the Kuroi) came via the sound of a cow bell.  
"Everybody! Listen to me!" Ghirahim yelled over the hubbub that stubbornly refused to die down. "LISTEN! LIIIIISSSSSTTTEEEEENNNNN!"  
Things did not improve. He waited patiently for a couple more minutes, hoping that conversations would be finished, but was eventually forced to conclude that he was not going to get his way just standing there.  
"Oh well. I didn't want to do this, but I have no choice..." he muttered. Taking a deep breath, he stood on his dainty tiptoes and screamed.  
"TINGLE TINGLE KOOLOO- LIMPAAAAAAAHHHHH!"  
There was a dead silence as everyone looked around them in horror, frozen like musical statues as the war cry of their sworn enemy faded into the walls.  
Someone hit the panic alarm.

Needless to say, Ghirahim was unable to give the farewell speech he had so lovingly prepared among the throng of screaming Kuroi. Despite Demise's frequent drills in which everyone lined up and evacuated perfectly, memories of practise faded away in the howling mess as the world, his wife and his deaf aunt trampled over eachother for the exits. Heads rolled and arms went flying as people's faces were squashed into the floor, and at one point Ghi could have sworn he even saw a Bieber fan throw down her Belieber's Book Of Death Threats- Never Have To Deal With Haters Again!  
He had to say, though, nobody could create chaos better than him. Things were looking up.  
He strode out to where Demise was waiting, arms folded. Fartbutt was sat squarely next to his master, wings folded behind his back with a deceptively friendly look on his face. He was practically purring, and Ghirahim approached with some apprehension.  
"See? I told you all you needed was a little time." Demise said cheerfully, stroking Fartbutt as if it was his pet. "I'm always right, aren't I?"  
It was wiser not to respond to that question. However, one could see where Ganondorf got his boundless self- confidence from. Fartbutt straightened up reluctantly, recognising his master. Demise quickly realised that the Loftwing had not decided to tolerate Ghirahim for the time being, but rather was ridiculously short- sighted. As was the norm, he proceeded to lunge towards the mage, talons bared.  
Thinking quickly, Demise summoned a lasso from another dimension and proceeded to wrap it around Ghirahim's waist. He yanked and brought his minion and the bird heavily together, resulting in full- scale mutilation in which feathers flew, Armageddon was brought forward by several years, Ghirahim was decapitated.  
"No no no, we're not ending the story that soon." Demise tutted, placing Ghi's head firmly back on his shoulders. "We're going to get to Chapter Four at the very least. The author is liking this."  
"She's the only one!"  
"SHUT UP AND GET ON THE BIRD!"

It was a couple of minutes later that Ghirahim departed for good, the lukewarm well- wishes of his master quickly forgotten in the exhilaration of finally leaving the stuffy HQ. The open sky seemed fresh and warm, the clouds scudding across the deep orange of dawn, big fluffy explosions of-  
"Damn, that cloud looks just like a dropped metaphor!" Ghi announced, shielding his eyes in the obligatory looking- to- the- future position. "Doesn't it, Loftwing?"  
"I can't talk, jerkass." Fartbutt replied irritably.  
Ghirahim did not say anything else for a long time. Fartbutt never uttered another word in his life.

One thing that Ghi learnt on his journey up to Skyloft was that his mode of transport was not blessed with stamina. They were forced to stop over several times on various clouds so that Fartbutt could have a rest. Time- keeping was an important asset for any Kuroi, but Fartbutt turned a blind eye to Ghirahim's natural impatience and had to be shaken awake from sleeping several times. After his rousing, he would fly with the utmost reluctance, and needless to say the two did not make much progress.  
Ghirahim and Demise kept in contact via a walkie- talkie Vaati had hastily constructed for them. However, it had an annoying habit of also connecting to the nearest radio signal, which always happened to be Real Radio.  
"Product placement for the most tedious, stifling, out- of- date station there is!" Ghirahim snapped, shaking the item vigorously as "The Way You Make Me Feel" blared out with an inappropriate cheerfulness. "That is IT! I am no longer going to tolerate this!"  
"Yes, you are." said the author, and typed a few lines into her computer. (A/N: Is this becoming a trademark of mine?)  
Ghi's demeanour instantly changed and a beaming smile ripped across his face. "Actually, you know what? This journey has been splendiferous so far! Why, I'm enjoying it so much I think I'll just-" The effect wore off and his shoulders slumped. "Ah, what's the point?"  
He looked to the left, scanning the sky helplessly for some sort of residence. To his utter relief, he saw the familiar sight of a futuristic floating palace suspended in mid- air by some strange, and probably illegal, power. The Works Of Mozart: Disc 1 could be heard emanating softly from it, contrasting perfectly with its' somewhat hardcore image. The strange style choice could only mean one thing; Vaati!  
Banking heavily to the left (and causing Fartbutt to let off a gassy eruption in shock), the long- suffering demon made his way towards his only source of respite.

The first thing Vaati knew about Ghirahim's arrival was that a giant Loftwing had just arrived through his window with an earth- shaking crash. Instinctively thinking it was one of the Skyloftians, he snatched up a copy of Why Everybody Hates Justin Bieber (an enormous volume, by all means) and sprinted out to his dining room.  
"WAIT, VAATI! WAAAAAAAIIIIIITTTTTT!" Ghirahim shrieked, to no avail. The book came down on him, propelled by the strength of God, and all went black.

He came round ten minutes later laid on Vaati's kitchen table. The purple- skinned mage sat before him, calmly eating a lunch of tea- smoked salmon. "Tea- smoked salmon?! Hitting me over the head with 500 page volumes?! Vaati, have you completely lost it?!" Ghirahim snapped, sitting up and whacking his head on a low- hanging chandelier. Pieces of glass rained down into Vaati's food.  
The mage looked disgusted and pushed it away. "You've destroyed two very fragile pieces of my palace already." he hissed back. "Why on earth do you think you can just- just TURN UP?! I'm your superior, therefore you knock!"  
Ghirahim glanced out of the window. "How the hell could I knock? I'd fall out of the sky!"  
"What, you still haven't learnt to levitate?"  
"No! I've been practising, though! I've got to Grade 2, but autolevitation isn't until Grade-"  
"Yeah, yeah. Levitate that piece of glass back into the chandelier, then." Vaati said venomously, pointing.  
Desperate to get one up on his superior and best frenemy, Ghirahim proceeded to concentrate all his attentions on the piece of glass. He closed his eyes, pointed his finger and-  
It hovered a little, then gave a depressed sigh and fell to the floor again.  
Vaati raised a smug eyebrow. "Still can't get it up, huh?"

If it were possible, the atmosphere turned even frostier after that. Nevertheless, there was no other floating accommodation in the sky except for Vaati's palace (and Skyloft was thousands of miles away yet, such was Fartbutt's laziness). Ghirahim was forced to admit he would have to sleep over in the palace for the night, and continue his journey tomorrow. Vaati expertly tethered Fartbutt outside (when asked how he was so good at handling it, he launched into a long reminisce about how he had once kept a pet Gyorg "UNTIL THAT GOD DAMN LINK KILLED IT IN MINISH CAP!"). Ghirahim was made to sleep in one of the dungeon cells where Vaati usually kept the maidens he kidnapped, while Vaati stood outside and laughed at his misfortune until he went to sleep.

That night did not pass quickly. 


	3. A Hasty Departure From Vaati's Palace

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Guys! Firstly, thank you once more for all the lovely views! ^_^ But no reviews? I'm not sad...  
Aaaanyway, you may have to forgive me. I will probably be updated much slower after this because, DOOM DOOM DOOM, school/GCSE commitments are getting in my way. I swear I may be dead from overwork pretty soon =(  
Anyway, should you wish to know more about my dire situation, there are more details on my profile. Please, don't laugh at my misfortune!  
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Chapter 3: A Hasty Departure From Vaati's Palace

Ghirahim was rudely awoken at 3am by a highly irate Vaati. At first he had had a dream that he was on a rollercoaster ride, and was even beginning to enjoy himself until the cart he was in crashed. As he lay on the floor dazed, he realised that he had not really been on a ride but rather had been shaken awake by the wind mage. The loops and turns had been him being swung around Vaati's head like a hammer, and the crash that had awoken him had been a last- ditch effort by the mage to wake him up- eg, smashing him into the wall.  
"Why the hell did you not wake up?!" Vaati hissed, gripping him by- um, the location where the collar would usually be- and pressing their foreheads together in rage. "I even threw water over you!"  
"Oh, that's why I'm soaking wet. I dreamt someone in the next cart threw up over me." Ghirahim announced, causing Vaati to drop him in irritated confusion.  
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Either way, you had better get outside pretty damn quick and SORT THIS OUT!"  
"S- sort what out?" Ghirahim did not have the chance to say anything else; Vaati had grabbed him by the arm and now the two were sprinting down the aisles, staggering slightly in the suddenness of the morning. Tiles clacked rapidly under their feet as they burst outside into the freezing, sub- space air.  
"Hey, I didn't know the stars moved so fast!" Ghi announced, seeing the atmosphere swirling by as they observed the night.  
"They DON'T." Vaati snapped. "I must ask, though, what kind of GM Loftwing did Demise give you?"  
"LORD and ALMIGHTY MASTER Demise."  
"... I can't be bothered to think up a witty comment. I'm too tired and the author's too lazy. Just look over there!"  
Vaati pointed to the northwest, where Fartbutt was attached to the leading edge of his palace. The bird was flapping rapidly as one would expect from a tethered animal, but it seemed a lot happier. It was obvious that it did not feel as if its movement was restricted as much as it expected, and as Ghirahim was pretty sharp he soon realised why.  
"Ah... Ah, Vaati. Right. Sorry about this."  
Fartbutt, with all his immense strength, was now pulling the Palace Of Winds at almost a hundred miles an hour through the sky. Early- morning clouds scudded by as if they were propelled by jet rockets, and the moon that provided them with meagre slivers of light was like a blur of-  
Fartbutt swerved mightily to the left in order to avoid a dropped simile. The whole structure listed dangerously, causing Ghi and Vaati to grab onto one of the supporting pillars desperately. "You better sort this out! I haven't got any insurance on this place!" Vaati yelled, before a piece of debris hit him on the head and he was knocked out.  
Ghirahim swore and hoisted the wind mage over his shoulder. How on earth was he supposed to deal with this?  
He pulled out his walkie- talkie and quickly radioed Demise.  
"Ghirahim, what the hell do you want at this Goddamn time in the morning!"  
"Master, Fartbutt is out of control! He's pulling the Palace Of Winds through the air at a pace of-"  
"Hang in there!"  
A massive lightning bolt shot from the sky, shocking Vaati back into consciousness with its sudden light. The mage shrieked with happiness as it illuminated something in the distance, and shook himself free of Ghirahim's clutches.  
"My pet Gyorg! Hold that thought, Ghi-"  
As expected, the lightning missed Fartbutt by about a mile and hit Vaati's beloved pet instead. The monster froze in mid- air before exploding unceremoniously in the traditional Zelda style. Vaati froze in his stride, halfway through running forward to greet it with a massive grin. Gyorg guts rained down upon them as Ghirahim slowly edged away.  
Wasting no time, he hurtled over to Fartbutt and tore the rope in two. Detached from the palace, the Loftwing made a break for freedom and Ghi was only just able to leap for it and grab the end of the rope still attached to its foot. Let's face it, it would have been far too unlucky if it had still been attached to the palace.  
Not daring to look back, he urged Fartbutt on and curved up and away into the early- morning sky.

"My god." Ghi breathed, collapsing into his bird's feathers. "That was a close one."  
Fartbutt blew off in annoyance. Ghirahim apologised and sat up. Demise radioed through. "You're getting pretty close to Skyloft. I take it my lightning did the trick!"  
The frequency was weaker now, and Demise's voice came through as a distorted crackle. "Uh... yeah, sure Master..."  
"You sound uncertain. I'm tracking your location though, and you're certainly moving. However, GPS is pretty poor around Skyloft, so I'm not able to tell exactly how close it is."  
There was a pause as both Ghirahim and Demise waited for Fartbutt to crash head- first into the place. However, when nothing happened, Demise resumed the conversation.  
"So, anyway, just keep going north- north- west. You'll arrive pretty soon. As soon as you get to Skyloft I want you to see if you can enrol in the Knight Academy. That's where the reincarnation of the Goddess is said to be. Her name's Zelda, and apparently she's not a looker. But the Internet says you're gay anyway, so that doesn't matter."  
"AMBIGUOUSLY gay, Master!"  
"D'aww, are you licking your wounds with TVTropes? They only say that because they know you're a frequent visitor."  
"Yeah! I update my character tropes myself! Here are my most recent-"  
Ghirahim had barely taken a breath before Fartbutt crashed head- first into Skyloft.  
_

...

"Ahh... my head..."  
"I know, I know. Just lie still, and I'll squash your brain back in now."  
"WHAAAAAAT?!"  
A young girl held him down again as he attempted to sit up. Through his hazy, semi- conscious vision, he could see a small head framed by a shock of curly black hair. A headband attempted to hold it all in place and keep it away from her eyes, which were a bit like raisins. She didn't seem to have any pupils, only eyelashes. This was rather unnerving, especially as she was currently performing low- grade neurosurgery on him.  
"Wh- who are you?"  
"I'm Kina from the Lumpy Pumpkin. You and your gassy bird just crashed into Skyloft."  
"WHOOPEEE! I'm here!" In his jubilation, Ghirahim shot up and threw his arms wide in joy. Bits of brain splattered the walls.  
"Ooooh, pumpkin!" an old man announced and started licking the wallpaper. "No! Oh goddammit, Rusl!"  
"Rusl from Twilight Princess?!"  
"Lie still!" Kina pushed Ghirahim down again. More of his brain bounced out. "Link, would you clear that up? Damn, his cingulate gyrus is hanging off!"  
There was muttering from behind him, and his brain was shoved back into his head forcefully. A bit oozed out of his nose and he burst into song.  
"That's the auditory cortex destroyed... Link, you jerk! Go and play that harp of yours and make yourself useful!"  
Kina snatched up a broom from the corner and there was a large THWACK from behind him. Ghirahim heard a yelp and the sound of running feet.  
A large man came over and observed him. He was bald, with a stern expression.  
"Daaaaad..." Kina whined. "Could you help me with this guy's brain?"  
"Oh, I thought it was a pumpkin. Ummm..." There was a silence as the man observed. "No, we need the author for this. Her penname isn't Cortex for nothing- she's been studying the brain outside of school for two years!"  
"Would you shut up and stop using my dad as a medium to brag?!" Kina snapped at the omnipotent author, who in some freak fourth- wall- breaking incident was sitting at a table writing. Cortex hunched her shoulders and whimpered. Tucking her typewriter under her arm, she shuffled out muttering apologies.  
"A typewriter? Jeez... they should really have royalties on FanFiction." Ghirahim muttered, before his hypothalamus slithered out and he was reduced to a giggling, inane mess.

He was quarantined in the top deck of the Lumpy Pumpkin overnight, perched precariously on the rail as the chandelier swung ominously above him. Staring up at the jewels lit in the strips of moonlight, he noticed a large Heart Piece.  
"Hey, surely that could heal me...?" he muttered, and stood up unsteadily. He reached out to grab it-  
"YOINK!" A flash of shadow whipped past him and snatched it from his grasp. Ghi stumbled back, fell off the rail, and smashed straight into the table behind him. The shadow swung down and stood over him, regarding with what would probably be classed as amusement.  
"That was NOT funny!" Ghi hissed, getting up so that the stranger would not have to witness his indignity any longer. "Who the hell are you now?! And where's my Loftwing?"  
The shadow stepped into the light. "Ah... you're Link. You don't speak, do you?"  
Link stared blankly, still clutching the Heart Piece. Ghi stepped forward cautiously-  
The hero immediately turned and ran, hurtling off like a frightened animal. He leapt through the window with an earth- shaking crash, and a large thump sounded from outside seconds later. To his delight, Ghirahim heard Fartbutt squawk- at least he was still alive. Or was that a bad thing?  
There was the sound of heavy, early- morning footsteps storming up the stairs.  
"WHAT THE FECK IS GOIN' ON HERE?!"  
"Is that Agnes Brown?"  
"No, it's just bad writing!" Kina hissed, coming into view. "What just happened then? Were you dancing or something?"  
As if on cue, the chandelier crashed to the floor. Although it had been obviously loosened by Link's trespasses, the blame was immediately shifted to Ghirahim since he happened to be nearest.  
That was how Demise's most feared lackey ended up scrabbling down the side of the Lumpy Pumpkin for dear life, squealing like a pig as Kina vaulted over the windowsill with her broom. Sprinting over to his Loftwing, he noticed the unconscious Link slumped on top of it. But there was no time to remove any obstacles now- he simply leapt on top of the Hero, kicking Fartbutt in the sides to make it reluctantly awaken again.  
The Loftwing flapped its wings in a lazy stretch, catching Kina in a lucky twist of fate and knocking her off the side of the island. Her scream soon faded into nothingness.  
"Ah." Ghirahim muttered, deciding not to see what had become of her. "Evidently she didn't press Down on the D- Pad in time. Well, dang."  
With that, Fartbutt finally concluded it was time to take off, and with an enormous yank that almost sent Ghi and Link straight after Kina, left the floor in a highly ungainly fashion. Since it was dark outside, it was hard to see where one was steering, but the island of Skyloft could be seen as a rough landmass to the north. It was towards this ambiguous clue that Ghirahim headed, along with his unwanted cargo that stubbornly refused to come around.  
He landed outside the first house he saw, near the perimeter of the island. Dismounting carefully with Link slung over his shoulder, he read the sign outside in the fading darknesses.  
"Sparrot's House."  
It was better than anything, he decided. Knocking on the door, he listened for any movement inside. To his relief, he heard footsteps approaching before the door swung open full in his face.  
Sparrot looked down at the mage sprawled on the floor. His Loftwing farted loudly, but the fortune- teller did not start.  
"I predicted that." he announced in a high, soon- to- become annoying voice that had never really matured since primary school days.  
Ghirahim sat up on his elbow. The appearance of his saviour was not what he had expected- a fat middle- aged man with eyes like a pre- schoolers version of an alien? Was this really what had to be?  
"You want to come in, right? And you're desperate for a pee." Sparrot announced. "Hey, I'm not complaining- I can see with my massive eyes that I am going to invite you in!"  
"How can you see with your eyes?" Ghirahim asked, before realising how stupid that sounded. "I mean-"  
"You mean how can I see the future, my boy." Sparrot replied. "Um, peripheral vision? The crystal ball is just a prop..."  
"Just let me in." Ghi muttered, pushing past him.  



	4. Link's Wardrobe

Chapter 4: Link's Wardrobe

"AWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW YADDA BOOOO...! YADDA YOO BOO!"  
"YIDDA YOOOO!"  
"UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Ghirahim was awoken by the above noises at an ungodly hour in the morning the very next day. At first he didn't know what was going on, but as his eyes adjusted to the 5 AM light, he soon realised what it was. Sparrot was standing over him, waving jazz- hands dangerously close to his face. "UGGGABOO! I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE, I SEE YOUR FUTURE!"  
"That doesn't rhyme." Ghirahim snapped, brushing him away. "Go back to bed."  
"OOOOHHH NO! I PREDICT THAT YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOOOOUSE!" _  
Sparrot's prediction proved correct five minutes later as Ghi marched out, Link over his shoulder.  
"I could never stay with that quack for long anyway." he muttered. In his fury, he had left Fartbutt behind at Sparrot's house. He would not notice this until a long time afterwards. There was a stirring on his back, and a moan. Excitedly, he dropped the boy he was carrying and slapped him across the face enthusiastically. "Hey! Wake up! Wake up!"  
Link's eyes flickered open. He lay staring at the sky for a minute.  
Then two minutes.  
Then three minutes.  
Losing his patience, Ghirahim pulled him up and shook him viciously. "Hey! Okay, this is boring now. Would you wake up properly?!"  
Link opened his large blue eyes, looking for all the world like someone from Made In Chelsea- open and vacant. He smiled slowly at Ghirahim, who glared back with folded arms. "Where's the place where- uh, the Triforce is?" Ghi asked.  
Link looked dull. "Triforce?"  
_Hey, he spoke! _"Yeah... the power the Goddess granted to your people long ago."  
Link scratched his bottom absentmindedly as he considered. "Awaiting response from Wii Remote."  
"Wii Remote?!"  
"Awaiting resp- Ah. Um, I don't know."  
"Where's the Knight Academy?"  
"Awaiting re- Follow me."  
With that, Link turned and began a quick walk away from Ghirahim. The mage immediately began to follow him, scampering quickly and getting a lot of odd looks from people wandering by. One child, a girl with small black eyes, hit him viciously with a bug net. Ghi whipped round, snatched it out of her grasp, and was just about to snap it in two when Demise's voice sounded in his head.  
"No, no, no! We've got to act NICE. Give it back and say something friendly."  
Hands trembling with suppressed rage, Ghirahim handed the net back to the girl carefully. He opened his mouth to "say something friendly" when she swung again, hitting him full force in the face.  
Link stopped in surprise as one of Ghi's molars flew past him. He turned round. "Are you OK?"  
"Y- yes." The mage was curled up on the floor, cradling his jaw while Kukiel convulsed with laughter. "Just in severe pain."  
Without another word, Link walked over and hoisted his newfound friend up over his shoulder. Situations reversed, the two made their way to their destination.

It was then that the reincarnation of Hylia, Zelda, chanced upon them. Seeing her childhood friend carrying a mysterious, white- garbed figure, she ran over.  
"Oh, Link!" she scolded. "You know you shouldn't be carrying heavy things! Remember you did your back in last week carrying Groose home from the bar?"  
Link looked blank. "Bar?"  
"Yeah..." Looking around surreptitiously, Zelda sidled up to him and nudged him slyly. "Remember? At Pumpkin Landing? They turn it into a bar during the night and you got up on the table and played "Don't Look Back In Anger" on your harp to everyone. Then you did what you claimed was the Ministry Of Silly Walks across the top floor. But you were just drunk and COULDN'T. EVEN. WALK. IN. A. STRAIGHT. LINE."  
"I never did!" Link exclaimed. "Awaiting respon- I don't remember that!"  
Zelda's eyes narrowed. "You WOULDN'T." she hissed. "Shame on you and all your descendants! Anyway, let me carry that guy."  
(Of course, this quote would then set off a chain of events that would mean Link's descendants would forever be plagued by evil. Demise had nothing to do with it).  
Without another word, she snatched Ghirahim off Link's back and dragged him along by the foot, all the while lamenting Link's drunken antics. The poor boy trailed behind her silently, none the wiser. Obviously he had had far too many that night.  
Ghirahim struggled in her strong grasp. "Who the hell are you now?!" he hissed to the girl above him. He earned a slap for his efforts.  
"How dare you talk to me like that! I'm Princess Zelda!"  
"You're not even a princess in the game this is set around! So don't get uppity with me!"  
Another slap rang around the Skyloft area, causing the various citizens to look up from their activities. This was a particularly bad idea for one named Beedle, who actually had to look down. Distracted, he got off the bike he was using to keep his floating sky- shop up in the air and looked out of the window. The next thing he knew, he was plummeting at a considerable pace.  
"WATCH OOOOUTTTTT!" he screamed. No sound came out.  
"Bloody double glazing." he muttered, banging the pane. Those were his last words before the entire store crashed to earth.

Groose's room, Knight Academy

Ghirahim had been taken to the distinguished academy to recover. Medical research was still in its infancy in those times, of course, but this didn't stop the students from having a damn good try to heal him. Worried in case their patient was going to slip into a coma, they smashed plant pots over his head. They waited until midnight and stuffed a Remlit down his leotard. Fledge was the only one who had any idea of what to do and attempted CPR, but he was such a wimp that he couldn't have got a rat's heart restarted. Beedle came in with a handwritten note of apology and some flowers. "I'm really, really sorry. I should have looked." he gulped. "Well, you know, I DID look, but I didn't hear- I mean, you didn't hear! I mean-"  
"Shut up and put the flowers on the side, Beedle." Headmaster Gaepora said wearily, pointing to a nearby desk. "We don't blame you anyway."  
"Oh... Who do you blame?"  
"The author."  
"Oh, of course!" This cheered Beedle up immensely, and he set the flowers down. Planting a get- well kiss on Ghirahim's cheek, he strode out of the room whistling the "Men In Black" theme. Whether his shop had magical time- travelling properties or whether he just happened to make it up on the spot and inspire an iconic tune several hundred years later, we are still none the wiser.

Ghirahim woke up at two in the morning. Putting a hand to his (terribly) bandaged head, it didn't take him long to realise that he had been knocked out AGAIN. It was around then that Demise radioed through, and he was not impressed.  
"I've been looking at your conscious- to- unconscious ratio, Ghirahim!" he yelled. "It's RUBBISH!"  
Ghirahim hung up. He decided on the spur of the moment to go and do some spy work. Testing the door, he was happy to find that it was unlocked- the omnipotent author's way of moving things along. Slipping out into the corridor, he watched for shadows as he paced quietly up and down, trying to find Link or Zelda's room.  
His attention, however, was first alerted to the toilet. At first he thought somebody had just got their bottom stuck in it or something- there was an unearthly moaning from it that signified great pain. He stood outside and laughed for a while, trying to peer in through the keyhole. To his shock, he felt something long and spiky jam straight into his eye.  
"AAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, clutching his face and dancing straight into the plant pot. It hit the ground with an embarrassingly loud crash, and he lay sprawled in the dirt.  
"Holy mother of Hylia, what was that?!" he hissed, sitting up and attempting to brush off his formerly- white skinsuit. Picking up a pebble from the dirt, he lobbed it at the door. "Show yourself, O person! Unless you really ARE stuck in the toilet!"  
"Paper... I need paper..."  
"You need paper? Um, I have a sheet of A4 plain-"  
"No! No! Toilet paper! BUTT paper!"  
"BUTT paper?!"  
"Yes, BUTT!"  
"But what?"  
"BUTT!"  
"But WHAT?!"  
"**BBBUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT**!"  
This last yell was so loud that, along with the crash from the plant pot, it managed to wake up pretty much everyone in the corridor. Groose was out first, already awake and irate from having to share a room with the irritatingly mute Link. He marched up to Ghirahim, seized him by the collar, and was about to give him a massive chewing out when;  
"Paper... I need paper..."  
Groose froze. "What the hell is that?!" he spat.  
"Not me!" Ghirahim squeaked. He pointed towards the toilet. "It's coming from in there! Someone just poked me in the-"  
He was cut off as Link burst out of his room, wielding a short sword. He proceeded to hack away viciously at the door, yelling random curses as he did so. Everybody watched boredly as he continued- evidently they had seen this several hundred times before- but Ghirahim was entranced. This boy was no wimp... was he the chosen saviour of the Goddess?  
Zelda stepped out of her room, dressed in a pure white nightgown. She began to yell at Link, telling him to "GET BACK TO BED" and "LEAVE THE TOILET MONSTER ALONE!"  
This sent Groose over the edge. "A t- toilet monster?" he wailed. He clutched Ghirahim even tighter, and was begginning to asphyxiate him somewhat. The skinny mage could do nothing but flap in his arms, and would probably have come to a premature end right there and then had Zelda not given Groose a sharp slap. Then, picking up the other plant pot, she smashed it over Link's head.  
The two boys lay on the floor dazed while Zelda poked her head into the toilet. A blue hand, fading out from the arm, hovered above it. Although it didn't have a face, Ghirahim could tell it was quite annoyed.  
"I was having fun then!" it complained. "Well, the rest of us weren't. Would you PLEASE get back to your rightful place in the U- bend?" Zelda snapped. The hand considered.  
"If you let me have toilet paper..."  
"Why would you want toilet paper?! It's not like you need to... you know... GO..."  
"Fine! FINE! You assume that, then!" the hand yelled. It shot towards Zelda and slammed the door shut again, and everyone heard a lock click from inside. "Nobody cares about me! I didn't think for a SECOND you would, either! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

After everybody had been ushered off to bed again by the ever- orderly Zelda, Ghirahim tried once again to infiltrate someone's room. He decided to skip the blonde- haired dictator- to- be's, deciding that if Groose hadn't killed him, Zelda certainly would. He reckoned Link would be a lot simpler, so opened his door quietly.  
Link lay on his face on the floor, bum in the air and snoring loudly with dribble running down his face. _If only cameras would be invented_, Ghirahim thought. _If this guy had any repute in the first place, it'll be gone! If only photocopiers would be invented! I would duplicate it and paste it on- oh, if only the Internet would be invented!  
_Gleefully skipping around, he began pulling out all of Link's drawers and turning them upside down. Piles of clothes and trinkets fell out onto the floor, and he rifled through them enthusiastically. He found nothing of note- just a spare sword blade, a pair of Zelda's knickers (pilfered, he bet), a caricature of himself by Groose (which he obviously thought was a flattering portrait), and a haggis.  
He ate the haggis.  
Link's wardrobe was rather large, though it contained only a couple of tunics, all similar in size and colour. And a couple of Zelda's, pilfered of course. Ghi crawled inside it. Looking straight ahead, he could see nothing but darkness- and when he put a hand out, it never touched the back of the wardrobe. Intrigued, he crawled in deeper. Link was still fast asleep, dumb to the world and the man who was now wondering if his wardrobe ever ended. It had been pushed right up against the wall- surely he would HAVE to hit something soon?  
He closed his eyes, edging forward. Suddenly, a blast of cold air hit his face and something cold ran down it. He opened his eyes cautiously to see a snowy forest, where flecks of snowflakes were fluttering down and spotting his hair and face. His hands felt extraordinarily cold-  
"HEY!" The author came sprinting through the snow, and slapped him across the face. "This isn't a Narnia fanfic! Get back to your own category!"  
Ghirahim immediately backed away. He never went in that wardrobe again.

Next, he tried looking through Link's books. They were all what you would expect from a student of the Knight Academy; books on swordfighting technique, techniques for swordfighting, swordfighting's technique, and how to cook a haggis. "No dirty books?" Ghirahim mused. "C'mon, according to Hyrule Historia he's 17! There's gotta be something- AHA! Fifty Sha..."  
He pulled it out fully and looked at the cover. "Fifty Shapes of Tray. On which to serve haggis."  
There was a roar from behind him, and he whirled round. To his utmost horror, he saw Groose approaching blearily. "What are you doing in my room?" Groose yelled.  
"This is Link's room, isn't it?"  
"No, it's mine now. He's a wuss. He LET me have it." Groose replied, examining his fingernails casually. His eyes flickered upwards to Ghirahim again and he scowled, pulling himself up to his full height. The two were now just about nose- to- nose. "So GET OUT!"  
"No." Ghirahim replied.

He limped back to his room soon afterwards, after being thrown unceremoniously out of Link's- sorry, Groose's room- at the end of a steel- toecapped boot. The likes of which had never even been invented yet, or so he thought.  
Throwing himself down on the bed miserably, he remembered that the school was holding a formal dinner for all the students tomorrow in celebration of this story actually getting a review. *Perhaps I could find some information there*, he thought, before falling asleep in a miserable funk.

-  
Yaaay, hiatus over! For a while at least. The updates here will probably be pretty irregular, but I'll try my best to make sure there isn't more than a 2- week gap between new chapters.

DelicatelyDeadly: I thought this day would never come, but here we are! Thank you for the follow, favourite, and review! I'm glad you enjoyed last chapter especially, I didn't know WHAT I was doing with that one =)  
Sorry the update was a little late, I was actually a day behind all of yesterday so I thought today was Sunday. Apologies!  
So here you go, your next chapter! Hope you like! *bows*


	5. Never Invite Ganondorf To Dinner

Chapter 5: Never Invite Ganondorf To Dinner

The students of the Knight Academy were woken ridiculously early the next day by the sound of a bell clanging through the corridors. As expected, Zelda was holding it, a hand on her hip as the bleary pupils organised themselves in front of her. Headmaster Gaepora stood beside her, looking formal as ever (except for the fact that he was in a very fashionable and unfortunately undersized onesie). Ghirahim lined up beside the others, wincing as Groose gave him a sharp dig in the ribs. Evidently he hadn't been forgiven after last night, and he swiftly moved away as one of Groose's cronies, Cawlin, aimed a kick at him. "Okay, everyone." Headmaster Gaepora began. His sonorous voice was always a source of great amusement to the pupils, and soon crude imitations were muttering around the group. The headmaster ignored it, but Zelda hurled the bell at one of the culprits. Usually in a comedy, it would hit their head with a CLONK and they would pass out, but this story is different. In this story, it hit their head with a CLUNK and they passed out.  
"What on earth was in that bell...?" Ghirahim wondered to himself as the unfortunate pupil was carted off.  
Hi- fiving Zelda, the headmaster continued. "You may be wondering why we're not having lessons today."  
His star pupil swayed on the spot. "WHAT?!" she shrieked. "Are you serious? We weren't informed!"  
"Oh. Sorry about that, Zelda." Gaepora coughed. "Um... yeah. We're having a very distinguished visitor here, so we're spending the day preparing for a formal dinner. Everyone say yay!"  
There were smatterings of unenthusiastic cheers. Link stood still with his usual glazed look, and Ghirahim sidled over to him. He opened his mouth to speak, but when the boy turned and gave him the most inane stare he had ever seen, he sighed wearily and decided it just wasn't worth it. Slipping away behind a corner, he pulled out his radio and dialled Demise. Before he could speak, however, his master's voice came on the line first.  
"Ghirahim, weren't we using telepathy in the early chapters of this story?"  
"Yeah... It looks like since the author uses Notepad, she couldn't be bothered to change the formatting to italics all the time when she published."  
"She did it last chapter!"  
"Well, she's not doing it this chapter. Anyway, we're having a formal lunch today in Skyloft. Should I try and get a seat next to Zelda to worm some more information out of her?"  
"Why this Zelda?"  
"She looks an awful lot like Hylia. And she seems to think she's an almighty deity anyway."  
"Fine, fine. Anyone else?"  
"Um, there's a boy in green she hangs around with a lot... But I very much doubt he's going to amount to anything. He can't even say his own name."  
Demise massaged his temples worriedly, setting his fingers on fire. Ghirahim waited patiently as he screamed and cursed down the line, plunging his flaming hand back into the clear water surrounding his domain before continuing.  
"Uhhh- aha- that hurtied baddy, Ghira..."  
"Are you quite alright, my lord?"  
"Where's Vaati? Tell him to bring some ointment down or something!"  
"But Vaati lives in the sky!"  
There was a brief silence. "...Well, that's inconvenient. I suppose I'll just spend my time burning the rest of my fingers off as well, then. Over" There was a click and the line went dead.

Since his lord and master was now sulking and massaging his hand, Ghirahim decided that the most logical course of action would be to help everyone with their preparations. The headmaster led the group down several winding passageways that he hadn't even noticed was there before- judging by the awestruck looks on the students' faces, nobody else had either. Dark chambers enclosed them to give way to splendid, light- washed gardens that they paced through, Zelda leading the way proudly at the front. Link trailed behind her adoringly as usual, and Ghirahim brought up the rear as he listened in to the others' conversations in the hope of getting more Triforce- related news. All he heard, however, was the usual stupid rumours that seemed so popular among those of a certain age group;  
"Oh my GAWD, did you hear this? I heard Link once found a way to watch Headmaster Gaepora having a bath!" (A/N: This is actually possible in Skyward Sword after you get the Hookshot. If you climb up to the roof, there's a chimney on the left side by the doors. There's a hookshot bullseye on it- hookshot this and lower yourself down. If you do it at night, look through the grating below you and Gaepora will be taking a bath. Tut tut!)  
"Oh my GAWD, I heard Zelda got sick of Link once. She grabbed his sword and skewered him up the backside!"  
"Oh my GAWD, you will NEVER believe this. This story actually got another review!"  
"No way!" The chorus rang out among the whole group (except for Link, of course, who scratched his bum absentmindedly and grinned).

They arrived in the Hall and prepared to put the decorations up. The Academy didn't have much of a budget, so the students had to make do with tangling rows of tinsel across the lighting. Link ended up in a very well- constructed noose, no doubt something to do with one of Groose's minions. The bully himself was standing alongside Zelda on the table, attempting to shout over her as the two bossed everyone around.  
Ghirahim hung from his feet from the chandelier, ignoring Demise's yells over his walkie- talkie.  
"GHIRAHIM! O, MINION! What the hell are you doing?!"  
"Not now, my lord!" Ghi hissed as he flung one end of the tinsel to Fledge, who was halfway up the wall on a very precarious ladder. The boy promptly dropped it with a girly squeal ("Gaaah, it tickles!")  
"Oh, for Hylia's sake! FLEDGE, JUST CATCH IT!" Ghi yelled, pulling it up to him and preparing to throw again. Zelda yelled up to him. "White leotard boy who I met unconscious and draped over Link's shoulder!" The group giggled. "Can you not even put decorations up? You haven't made much of an impression here, except for climbing into Link's wardrobe last night!"  
There was a shriek from the Hero- to- be, quickly strangled as Groose tightened the tinsel around his neck. Demise, listening at the other end, shook his head in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me." he muttered. "Even my most brilliant lackey is getting nowhere! Perhaps I'll get hold of that wind mage instead..."  
Fledge finally managed to catch the tinsel, and attempted to tie it to the light he was hanging from. With typical Fledge luck, he burnt his fingers viciously. Ghirahim braced himself for the torrent of swearing that would follow, but instead there was a rather polite "Gosh and bother, that's warm!"  
Zelda snorted from down below. "Fledge, you mean [CENSORED] [CENSORED] and holy [CENSORED]." she called. At that moment, the Headmaster strode in with Inspector Owlan behind him. The Hall fell silent.  
And everyone pointed at Ghirahim.

The mage sat in disgrace under the table as everyone else talked and chatted above him. Several times some klutz would kick him or (accidentally, so Groose claimed) tip their drink on the floor. In less than five minutes, his white leotard was splattered with several types of juice and food.  
The final straw came when Cawlin slipped on a high heel and gave him a vicious kick. Ghi leapt to his feet with a roar of fury, unfortunately forgetting he was under the table. Anyone sitting at it heard a massive CRASH as it flew several metres into the air, simply from colliding with Ghirahim's head. There was a smaller THUNK as he collapsed to the floor.  
The double doors at the end of the hall swung open and a man dressed regally in several ornate robes and jewels strode in. From his half- dazed state, Ghi didn't recognise him, but he guessed that this was the guest of honour from the way everyone jumped to their feet.  
"To your feet, leotard boy!" Groose shouted under the table, earning himself a round of strange looks.  
"Shut up, Groose." Ghi muttered. The VIP bent down and glanced under the table, and the two came face to face.  
The man had orange- ish skin, the burnt colour of someone who had lived in the desert. His eyes were red and he had a hooked, bird- like nose. He had a band strung loosely around his forehead with a bright jewel set in the middle, with reddish hair that stood up slightly. Looking closer at his clothes, Ghirahim could see he was wearing something like armour over his clothes. _This reminds me of the Ganondorf my lord was talking about..._ he thought.

"Ganondorf isn't born yet, doofus." sighed the author.  
"But... but me and Demise discuss him in the first chapter!" Ghi protested.  
"Yeah! Don't tell me you don't remember! I rule!" Ganondorf joined in, as everyone else in the room stared at the two bent under the table and apparently talking to thin air.  
The author rolled her eyes and clicked back through her files. Skimming through the first chapter, her eyes narrowed. "Fine." she hissed. "Fine, so I did. Well then Ganny, you're born for now- but Hyrule Historia won't thank you for it!"  
"How can a book thank me? You're so stupid, Cortex." Ganondorf replied smugly.  
The author typed a couple of lines into her computer.

Ganondorf's trousers fell down.  
"That's so puerile!" everyone in the hall cried (except Link, who was using his nail as a toothpick and looking fascinated at what he was finding).  
Unpeturbed, the VIP sat down. As his intelligence was probably not the best in the world, he hardly noticed until he saw Link giggling and pointing. Pulling them up roughly, he fixed the Hero with a strong glare that caused the boy's smile to fade slightly and go back to the usual inanity.  
He grabbed a plate of chipolatas from the middle of the table, and attempted to empty them down his throat in one. Ghi took this opportunity while everyone watched to crawl out under the table and watch incredulously as one got stuck in Ganny's throat. Everyone applauded as he began to choke, not realising this wasn't part of the act. It was eventually Zelda who saved the day, grabbing a bespectacled boy from the seat next to her and whacking him against the man's back.  
"Hey! Don't do that!" the boy yelled. "I'll curse you!"  
"What do you mean, curse me?" Zelda asked.  
"I can curse. Ready?" Ganondorf asked proudly. Everyone fell silent politely and observed as he stood up and smoothed his robes. He took a deep breath-  
"[CENSORED]!"

There was a very long silence in the hall.

"That was a curse, right?" Ganondorf said cheerfully. "I learnt it from my minion, Shadow Li-"  
"NO, NO, NO!" the author yelled. "That's the WRONG STORY!"  
"This IS Asking For Disaster, isn't it?" Ganny asked, looking horrified.  
"_No_." came the curt reply. This took a while to sink in. "So... did I get off a stop early?"  
"What the hell is everyone talking about?" Zelda asked, probably the most sensible thing that had been said for the past five minutes.

Ganondorf decided to stay anyway, and remained chatting to the boy. His eyes kept being drawn to a scar on his head, which the kid kept flattening his fringe over nervously.  
"I think I've heard of you. What's your name?" Ghi asked hopefully.  
"Barry Plopper."  
"But don't you call yourself Neville Longbottom on the Knight Bus?"  
"Oh, shut up!"  
"Jeez." Ganondorf whispered. "Looks like this is his really angsty persona from Order of the Phoenix..."  
"_EXPELLIARMUS_!" Barry yelled, pulling out an eleven- inch wand and pointed it angrily at a random person. Their fork flew from their hand and stabbed him in the face nastily, and he leapt off his chair with a curse. He happened to drop his wand in the process, which Link picked up. The Hero sniffed it, licked it, then opened his mouth and dropped it down his throat.  
"NOOOOOO!" Barry screamed, diving for him. He missed, and went flying across the tablecloth, pulling it and all the plates off in the process. He flew into the Headmaster, headbutting him nastily. The two crashed to the floor as the students ran for cover- Link had obviously triggered some spell by sniffing the wand, as all the plates had somehow been bewitched and were now spewing their contents over anyone who moved. Groose ended up covered in some substance that looked like yoghurt and smelled like tapioca which wouldn't wash off for a week.

The students, after attempting fruitlessly to clear everything up, were eventually sent back to their rooms by a thoroughly disgruntled Headmaster Gaepora. He had chosen Ganondorf because the man had been brought up in a rather disadvantaged situation; he had been brought up by two constantly arguing old hags in the desert. He was hoping he would have been able to give a speech about how you must always follow your dreams- instead, what had he got? He had got this stupid klutz flinging chipolatas down his throat like there was no tomorrow and a completely wrecked dining hall. The table had somehow arranged itself into a jigsaw puzzle in many pieces on the floor, and the chairs were quietly committing suicide.  
"Never mind. Maybe the author will have a better day tomorrow!" Professor Owland said cheerfully as he yanked a chair from the windowledge by its leg.  
"Maybe I'll have an early retirement." Gaepora replied.

-  
There ya go! This chapter seems shorter than the rest for some reason... Maybe it's just me.

DelicatelyDeadly: More pop culture reference for you! I wrote the Narnia thing completely on a whim, so I'm glad you liked. Thanks for your support! ^^


	6. Ganny's Back And As Stupid As Ever

-  
**Ahem! I have made a decision on the direction of this fic- it's going to be a prequel of sorts to my other fic, Asking For Disaster. Basically, in AFD Ghirahim is the long- suffering servant of Ganny and his cronies (Vaati and Shadow Link). So I decided that I may as well write how this actually came to be. I've still got no plan for how long this story is going to go on, though!**  
-

Chapter 6: Ganny's Back And As Stupid As Ever

After the disaster that had been dinner, Headmaster Gaepora decided never to invite another VIP to the Knight Academy again. Barry Trotter was summoned to Professor Owlan's office and promptly dismissed on grounds of "the most Godawful conduct we at this prestigious establishment have ever had the misfortune to experience". It seemed that everyone was trying not to remember Ganondorf's antics.  
Ghirahim, of course, found it all very amusing. He remembered his master's complaints about him in Chapter 1, and seeing the man true to life had been even better than he had expected. Demise was not responding to his telepathic and technological attempts to contact him, apparently in shame at his vessel's complete inanity. In fact, nobody could be sure who was duller; Ganondorf or Link.  
Lessons were resumed as normal. The first lesson Ghirahim had the misfortune to attend was a practical class, taken by Parrow- the slightly stocky guy who hung around in the town centre and was a Loftwing obsessive. The class lined up tiredly in the morning air (this was the day after the dinner, of course, as everybody had been in too much shock yesterday to teach properly). Groose was wrapped in a beautiful fur coat, which Zelda kept shooting envious glances at. Link was dressed in the same clothes as usual- a short tunic and loose tights. He looked very proud of himself, as if expecting someone to compliment him on his amazing and original dress sense. Funnily enough, nobody did.  
Ghirahim, since he hadn't been given any official uniform, was left to shiver in his skinsuit. In all his wisdom, he had forgotten to pack any spare clothes, and was now seriously considering ringing Vaati to see if he could borrow his cape. He doubted the mage would be on too- friendly terms with him after Fartbutt had ripped his palace to bits, but ah well. "Has everyone got their Loftwings, then?" Sparrot's voice rang clear over the town square. Ghirahim froze as Link giggled stupidly. His Loftwing! Fartbutt!  
"Um, sir?" He stood on his tiptoes and waved his hand in the air. "I've kind of forgotten mine... Can I go back and get it?"  
"Can't you just call it to you?" Sparrot asked. "How do I call it to me...?"  
"Jump off the ledge there, boy, and I'll show you!" the man replied cheerfully, pushing Ghirahim to the wooden ledge jutting off the sky- island. Ghi looked around frantically as he realised it was a rather long drop. "W- what do I do once I've ju-"  
"JUMP OFF THE LEDGE THERE, BOY, AND I'LL SHOW YOU!"  
Ghirahim stalled at the edge, and it was Link that finally pushed him off. Bored of waiting and eager for his flying lesson, he had realised that the skinsuit- wearing guy was just going to hold them all up. Unsheathing his sword (just a random one stolen from his swordfighting teacher's spare room again) he sharpened it viciously on his teeth and set off at a run towards Ghi. The Dash Attack he pulled off went straight up Ghi's backside, and to his not- exactly- surprise the mage found that he was falling at a rather worrying pace down towards the cloud barrier. "UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUU UUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. "DELICATELYDEADLY THINKS HER AUTOCORRECT IS BAD?! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE TROUBLE CORTEX HAD TYPING THAT! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULALALALALALALALALALALALAL ALLALALALALALALALAHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AND THAT!"  
A cat, who had also been thrown off the top of Skyloft, floated down next to him. "Get a grip, buddy." he said. "THE AUTHOR'S GONNA KILL ME OFF! SHE'S GONNA- OUCH!"  
Completely without warning, Ghirahim had all the wind knocked out of him. He lay prostrate and sideways over Fartbutt, who was lazily blowing off as he cruised along in the air. He realised he was also quite close to someone else's backside. "Ganondorf?!" he yelled. "What are you doing up here? And what are you doing riding Fartbutt? What did I just do? What am I? What's the meaning of life?"  
"SHUT UP!" Ganondorf roared. "I can't hear myself THINK!"  
"You think?"  
Ganon punched him. "In the loosest sense of the word. What you just did was call your Loftwing! But I was trying to poke it in the eye at the same time because I like it when they get all angry. But then they chase me and bite my head, which I don't like so much. Anyway, you called it and it sped off with me still hanging on! That wasn't nice, was it?"  
"How exactly did I call it?"  
"Most Skyloftians whistle. But it seems that the call you have for Guffbackside is as follows:  
UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUU UUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULALALALALALALALALALALALAL ALLALALALALALALALAHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
"That's a lot to remember." Ghirahim whimpered.

Fartbutt brought him and Ganondorf back up to Skyloft after the two had argued some more. Sparrot was not impressed, and sentenced Ghirahim to a week of cleaning up any Loftwing droppings as a punishment for "disrupting the lesson". Link giggled. "Droppings." he muttered to Zelda, nudging her in the ribs. She slapped him.  
Nobody had really noticed Ganondorf, who was sitting stupidly in the middle of the group. He and Ghirahim would exchange looks as Sparrot droned on and on, and occasionally Ganny would mouth something. Ghirahim attempted to squint to see what he was saying.  
"You what?" he mouthed back as Ganondorf made frantic hand gestures. "You... love me?"  
Ganon shook his head and made another gesture, along with more mouthed words.  
"My head is falling off?"  
More mouthed words.  
"Fartbutt needs to be neutered?"  
"OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE!" Groose yelled. "What Ganondorf's trying to say is DO YOU WANT TO SERVE HIM?!"  
The class turned and stared. However, none of the three were aware of this. Ghirahim glared in Ganondorf's direction, teeth bared.  
"What do you mean, serve you? I already serve my ultimate lord and master, Demise!"  
"Yes, but I'm Demise's servanty bow- bow thing. So I already serve him too!" He jumped to his feet with an excited gasp. "Have you got Facebook? We could soooo be friends!"  
Groose whipped out a phone, the ever- popular Brickwork 2000. "Yeah! And me!"  
"You don't serve Demise." Ghirahim said smugly. Groose's eyes narrowed and he faced the leotard- wearing mage angrily.  
"Oh yeah?! You wait and see! I can serve him! Where's this Demise guy? I'll bring him [CENSORED] papaya on a plate!"  
He leapt backwards as both Ghirahim and Ganondorf made a lunge for him. Ganon kicked out and managed to get him in the stomach, and the two beat him back to the edge of the wooden platform. He teetered on the edge, face drawn with terror. "What did I do? What did I say?"  
"My- lord- and- master- Demise- is- ALLERGIC- to- papaya!" Ghirahim hissed. Ganondorf cracked his knuckles menacingly.  
"Um- um-"  
Any further altercation was prevented by Sparrot's yell of "Okay, students, jump off and call for your Loftwings!" There was a silence of a couple of seconds as Ghi and Ganny pondered on what torture they could inflict on him, when Groose let out a scream of his own accord. The two threatening mages whipped round to see the entire class thundering towards them in order to jump off the platform. Nobody seemed to have noticed they were there.  
"RUUUUN!" Ghirahim screamed.  
"We ARE running!" panted Zelda, who was approaching at a very fast pace. "Now get out of the way, you jerks!"  
Ghirahim and Groose reacted quickly- Ghi had the sense to teleport to behind the group, wheras Groose just collapsed to the floor and curled up in a whimpering ball. Ganondorf's mind worked a little too slowly to formulate an escape plan fast enough, so he just stood there grinning and waved at everyone.  
"See, Mum, I told you!" he said cheerfully. "Look at all my adoring fans running to meet me! Look at-"  
What he said next, we will never know. The entire class rammed into him at exactly the same moment, and Ghirahim watched in wonder as his head sailed into the air and landed in a nearby bush.  
"I told you you should have put that sword away BEFORE we ran!" Zelda yelled at Link, who fell off the edge of the platform instead of jumping.  
"Ganondorf?!" Ghirahim yelled, sprinting over to his head. "Are you okay?" To his utter shock, Ganny's head proceeded to levitate back onto his body, which was twirling around aimlessly on the spot and somehow making a giggling noise. Not that the guy had missed his head, of course; in fact, he had seemed rather more intelligent and likeable without it. Groose watched the scenario from his viewpoint (still curled up on the floor and miraculously uninjured) in utter shock. _How did that happen?_ he and Ghi thought at the same time.

The author rapped her desk impatiently. "Well, Ganondorf is an integral character to this story, which has now become a prequel to Asking For Disaster! So it's rather IMPORTANT he stays alive, isn't it?" she snapped.

"Fair 'nuff." Groose shrugged.

The three sat in Groose's room after the lesson (which had abruptly ended when Link managed to stab himself in the eye with his sword) and discussed what they were going to do next. Ghirahim's reluctance to join Ganondorf had waned a little after learning he served Demise, and the two were now locked in an urgent discussion as to what they were going to do next. Ganny was very impressed to learn Demise had sent Ghirahim on an actual mission- to find the Hero who would vanquish him, no less. Groose sat by miserably, quickly realising he would have nothing to do with the conversation. He was no evil villain, he had no accolades to his name; no, he was just the fall guy who couldn't get Zelda's attention whatever he did. "So, can I work with you?" Ganondorf leaned forward enthusiastically. He grinned, and Ghi was reminded strongly of his chipolata- swallowing the day before.  
"Um, sorry, but I don't think that would be practical..." he began.  
The King Of Evil swelled up. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOT PRACTICAL?"  
"It's just not practical!"  
"WHAT DOES PRACTICAL MEAN?"  
"It means-"  
"And why do we say "what" at the beginning of a sentence? I always found it a lot easier to put it at the end, like... Uh... you know what I mean. WAAAIT! What wasn't at the end then! I mean, what wasn't at the end! That wasn't a question, it was... Ummm..."  
Ganondorf zoned out.  
Ghi was about to give up in desperation and recruit Groose to his mission instead, when the door burst open. The two whipped around (Ganondorf continued to stare at the wall, chuckling), expecting Link, but instead a man in overalls with a ridiculous moustache walked in. "Who are you?!" Groose snapped. "This is my room!"  
The man looked at them, confused. In his hand he carried a toolkit. "It's- a me, Harrio?" he said.  
"It's-a who?"  
"No, not who. My name Harrio. Mi chiamo Harrio."  
"What are you here for?"  
"Je ne comprends pas."  
"That's French!"  
"Who's French?" Ganondorf asked, coming round out of his stupor.  
Mario gave up, shaking his head in apparent annoyance, and set down his toolkit. Kneeling down beside it, he proceeded to rip back the carpet with a horrible rending noise. Groose swore loudly and yanked at his overalls, but to his surprise they just pulled back with his hands as if they were made of elastic. He let them go with a twang, but Harrio didn't even notice. He got a spanner from his kit and wrenched up the floorboards to reveal a medieval plumbing system.  
Ghirahim leaned over his shoulder, interested. He wondered where those pipes led to... could he possibly use them as secret passageways?  
In a fit of bad timing befitting this terrible story, Harrio cracked open a water pipe at exactly that moment. A gush of water smacked Ghirahim in the face and he flew backwards, cracking his head on the opposite wall. Groose burst into rude laughter as Harrio scratched his backside and looked confused.  
The Headmaster came flying in, quickly followed by Zelda as always. "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?!" he screamed, pointing at the (supposedly) Italian plumber. Zelda glared at him viciously, like a protective guard dog. "Did the Headmaster commission you, or are you a fraud?" she snapped. When Harrio did not reply, she continued. "Where's your ID card? Show me!"  
"I don't think he speaks much Hylian, sweetheart." Groose said, seeing this as his chance to swoop in and act the hero. He looked at Zelda so smarmily that Ghirahim felt sick.  
Ganondorf, not knowing what to do, waved cheerfully. "Hi, blonde girl and fat slaphead!"

The explosion of offended screaming from Zelda caused Ghirahim, Groose, and Harrio to flee the room as if the acopalypse was about to happen. Even when they had climbed to the top of the Statue of the Goddess, they could hear her shrieking. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUR GRACIOUS HEADMASTER IS A FAT SLAPHEAD?!"  
"Well, at least I wasn't calling YOU a fat slaphead!"  
Groose closed his eyes. "That guy really isn't clever... Are you sure you want to work with him?"  
"Well, he's pretty powerful. He's Demise's vessel, remember." Ghirahim replied, clambering to halfway down the statue to get a better look at who it depicted. Was it just coincidence that it looked an awful lot like Zelda...?  
Harrio shook his head viciously. "He bad man! Molto grazie!"  
"Doesn't that mean "thank you very much"?"  
"Molto mille?"  
"Thanks a million."  
"Don't mention it." Harrio blushed.

Eventually Ganondorf teleported up to join them. He was sporting a rather interesting black eye, and looked decidedly the worse for wear. Evidently Zelda had given him rather more than a telling off.  
"Hey, guys!" he announced. "Zelda beated me up and this fic just got another review!"  
"Yaaay!" Harrio announced.

-  
**Aaaaand that's that for Chapter 6!**

**DelicatelyDeadly**: Thank you once again for your consistent reviews! I do hope you and your autocorrect have come to some sort of agreement- though I hate mine just as much. The one on my phone literally won't let me type ANYTHING... Ugh.  
Oh, and I address this question to you as my sole reviewer: Do you think this story has too much conversation? I've just been looking over it and I can't believe the amount of speech marks in it. If you think there should be less talking, please say ^^ Thank you again!


End file.
